oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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