1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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