Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
