i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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