This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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