you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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