I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize