Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
