the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
