I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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