i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
