So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
