the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
