I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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