I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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