Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
