my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
