did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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