one two three fourrrrnication!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
