Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He did a backflip because drugs
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
