just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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