I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
