Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
