i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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