what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just want nice things and good sex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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