I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
