Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
