at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
