I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
