If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
