I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How's work?
Spinning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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