You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
