you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
