The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
