I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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