True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
