Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
