So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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