I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
