TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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