Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
