i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
