I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
MIDGETS
????
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
