Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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