The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize