Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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