dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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