I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
