I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
