when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
