you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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