I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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