idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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