thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
