Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
They took my balls.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
