I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
