im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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